Never Have I Ever
Never have I ever been on a horse. Never have I ever been outside of the United States.
Never have I ever played a team sport.
Never have I ever...not had anything to look forward to.
If I was playing a game of Never have I ever today, I wouldn't be quite sure whether to get up or stay seated for the last statement. A part of me feels glued to the chair, forced to watch others around me run after what they want and stay safe from being caught in the middle.
I've been on both sides of the game. I've felt the exhilaration of leaping to another chair and probably accidentally stepping on another person's toe or two to get there. You sit and wait in anticipation to get up and run again. Here it comes-- it's a YES for you, but then somewhere in the exciting journey to your next step, you find yourself caught in the middle, adrenaline rush slowly fading as you realize you didn't make it.
All eyes on you. You feel lost. What do I say next? What's my next move? I wonder. You spit something out just to get out of the middle, but you probably could have done better given some more time.
It's easy to run fast when you know where you are going. Run to the next place. Learn something new along the way. You know your goal and all the paths that get you to it. You're determined to get there.
But sometimes you feel glued to the chair. What's next? Where to? Do I stay safe in the chair? You don't have to risk accidentally bumping into someone or breaking their nail. No one will even notice because they're too busy getting to their own chair. But beware, sometimes God is going to get you out of that chair even when you didn't feel like running.
I always heard that you feel weird after college. Of course, I also always told myself that I wouldn't feel that way. Maybe I was a little wrong. It is true that after you've accomplished all that you were required to do, you ask yourself
What do I have to look forward to?
Sometimes, it is easy to forget you have things to look forward to when you run out of the "big" things. You find your groove at work, graduate from school, settle down, whatever it is you always looked forward to and then BAM, you're done. What now!?!?!?!
It's exciting running around to different chairs and having big milestones complete, BUT, when were the times you felt you truly grew?
We live in this series of benchmarks and milestones, and yet my happiest moments have been in times that weren't outlined for me.
All these nothings have meant more to me than so many somethings. I have felt changed by small moments that went completely undocumented. The simple presence of someone who makes you feel desired and worthy, and not even by the words they speak. The nice little caffeine buzz from your morning coffee that ignites new ideas to keep you moving forward. The friends who you can be 100% you with and who send you the best memes on the daily (you know who you are). The songs and smells that take you back to the fondest of memories.
Those moments remind you that your next step is just to breathe. You have another day of life to look forward to. Touch a life. Make a new goal. Create something for yourself to look forward, one big thing and one small, and enjoy running towards it.
Cheers to our mental cardio!
-from Anna with love